You have to live « it » to understand « it »
It’s the worst time for me to run out of medication but here we are , I’m in the worst scenario possible and I don’t have any concerta left , as well as my anxiety medication . To lay a bit of context: (please read until the end 🙏🥲) I just left my boyfriend (that I am still in love with and my heart is shattered), I have to sign up in university (and I’m really really really late) I’m stuck at my parents house (because they don’t trust me and they have to survey everything I do so I don’t fail) my alcoholic mother is sending me entire pages of insults and nonsense trough all the platforms where I forgot to block her and I just feel really really lost and alone. My psychiatrist told me that she was really worried for me , because I struggle to eat and I came to the appointment really skinny (she was the only person brave enough to tell me ). Her worry grew stronger when she learn that I skip 3/4 meals and I faint on a daily basis . She told me that I would benefit from going to a psychiatric hospital for a couple weeks in order to get back in track. Not only for the eating disorder but for the other things too More context: I just did a panic attack (idk what’s the right term in English) that lasted two week after I broke up with my boyfriend , two weeks where I couldn’t breathe normally at any moment and I cried non stop from the moment I was awake to the moment I fell asleep from exhaustion, every day , for two weeks , no notion of time , 3 meals in the course of each weak (my friends had to force me) and no one able to understand me or calm me down. I’m no longer in that state , but that was absolute hell, one of the worst things I have ever experienced. Now I’m just filled with anxiety , bad feelings , and even if I’m not crying really loud curved in a ball on my carpet , I feel like s### 90% of the day and every second is a trial. I’m not suicidal , I don’t want to kill myself , I know what life has to offer and I know that I want to continue living , but it doesn’t mean that I want to be alive in the present moment , so I just turn automatic mode and try to convince myself that I don’t care because I’m not here and this isn’t happening (if you know you know) and it doesn’t even help because the pain is still here . It doesn’t stop , ever . I feel entirely trapped and I only felt comfort while chatting with one of my adhd friends (actually my only adhd friend) He seemed to be the only person to really understood what I was going through and how intense my emotions felt , he took every fiber of my pain and made It felt normal not less painful , but legitimate . Because he knows , because he lives , because he feels , what I feel and what we all feel , because he knows what « it » is . « It » is that thing that we struggle to describe with words to others , but that we understand in a fraction of a second when we speak to people like us We know what « it » is because « it » is our life , « it » is our entire perception of the world , our way to think , to feel , good and bad things , our talents , our flaws « It » is the misterious key to seeing the world with low dopamine and knowing how it feels when it hurts . Because neurotipicals will never understand how « it » feels , even with all the words in the world , and precise scientific explanation . because « it » is a feeling , a way to feel , an emotion, an abstract philosophy , but definitely not a thought that can be explained with words Neurotypical will never precisely understand what it feels like , and it’s hard to accept , the same way people that are born male will never understand what the pain of giving birth is. pain is relative to each individual , emotions too , and it is nearly impossible to describe them precisely or to mesure them with precision. You have to live « it » to understand « it » And talking with someone that understand « it » feels like a oasis in a desert of loneliness , you’re not alone , you’re not the only person feeling « it » , your not the only person living « it » and someone somewhere know how « it » feels and can talk about « it » with you , instead of you having to talk to yourself about « it » because every time you try to discuss « it » with people that didn’t experience « it » they don’t seem to scratch the surface of what « it is » I’m just here to find people that know what « it » is So , wanna talk about « it » ?