Getting better

I wish I can get better on my own. I don’t like the reliance on the earth. I don’t like the reliance I have on doctors. I just want to get better and stay better. I want to be happy, with a clear mind and the want to do things again. I hate myself and my skin. I hate the way I act and how I feel. I hate my body and mind. I hate who I am. That’s it. Plain and simple. I want to be more than I am, and I have always wanted that. I want to be miss perfect for everyone. The girl who gets straight A’s. The one who has white teeth. The one who gets all her work done in a timely manner. The one who has her house spotless and cute and everyone’s laundry is done before they keep asking where is my clothes. The one who has the fridge stocked. The one who is better and all of what my fiancé wants. How do I be better for him? He says I’m like taking to a brick wall. He says I’m difficult and I’m dumb. I just need help