stuck in an endless quest for stimulation, now normal is unbearable
i can’t shake this feeling that i’m not doing anything with my life because i don’t have “a thing.” like the one thing, the one passion or hobby or goal that a person lives for and throws their whole soul into. a purpose. i’ve suffered from hobby-hopping my entire life, i fixate on a new subject or hobby, get totally obsessed for a short time, and then i always lose interest. the novelty wears off. i am constantly teaching myself new skills and knowledge about random things i get into, and i love learning, but nothing sticks. my whole life i’ve wondered what my “thing” was, my purpose. it’s the one question i can never answer for myself and lately it feels like a giant hole in me, like something is missing and i am incomplete. but i have no idea where to look or what to try. if i don’t have it by now, what if one “thing” doesn’t exist for me because of how my adhd brain works? it feels so empty, like i’m going to be unfilled forever. i go on benders of compulsive shopping for quick dopamine hits, and i spend SO much time sitting on my computer just binge watching youtube videos, shopping, playing games and quizzes, social media, news, consuming an ungodly amount of content and internet every day and the time blindness is debilitating because i end up at my computer for 16-20 hours at a time sometimes. i’m unmotivated to go out unless something has been planned way in advance, and i have a zillion things i wanna do around the house where i already bought new furniture to assemble or shelves to hang or stuff to redecorate the back patio - and the stuff sits there untouched for months, years, because i can’t find the motivation. and everything feels so boring. i want to be a morning person so bad again and have a self-care routine and workout and eat right and make time for friends, but it’s so overwhelming to think about it feels impossible. i just over-stimulate myself with content and information to distract myself or because i’m hyper-fixating and it’s the only thing that seems entertaining. it’s all such a vicious cycle right now and i don’t know why. i feel like i’ve reached the point of no return and normal things will ever give me dopamine again.